I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
Galatians 2:20
Around the nearly twenty five years in which I have lived there has been the desire to be known and loved by others. Inherent in my flesh has been a prideful longing for praise and affirmation. I have been satisfied in it when it has come and have gravitated toward it when I see this affirmation in others. Before I came to faith in Christ, I was my own and counted it my duty to see myself satisfied in this world and in the applause of others. But now the battle is different because victory is assured.
Growing up in a home in which my mother was a believer and my father largely not in the picture was a challenge in many ways. Presents, toys, and even food at times was hard to come by. I saw how I physically needed God's help and grace most poignantly when I found a one hundred dollar bill near the floor of a bank during Christmastime when we needed it most. This brought tears to my mom's eyes and was an illustration of God's grace and mercy.
The Holy Spirit showed me that I am spiritually destitute and empty just as I was physically destitute and dependent upon God. Nothing that I could do, however well-intentioned or pure in my eyes would cover the sin which I have and would commit because a holy God demands holiness. The separation between my Creator and myself because of my transgression, I learned, was infinite and could only be bridged by Christ, the perfect, holy God-Man who died to take the punishment for my sin and was raised to defeat death and cause His people to be united to Him through faith. This faith, this simple rest, trust, embrace of Christ's work for my own, was a truth that became my treasure and a heart-embraced reality early in my preteen years. It was a starting point upon which God would grow fruit which continues to this day.
The reality of being apart of God's kingdom purely by grace breaks one from a self-sufficient attitude, and this was certainly true of this young believer. But a battle between the flesh and the Spirit within me was waging, in which the skills God had entrusted to me (most notably my basketball skills at that time) were a distraction away from God's grace rather than a reminder of his mercy. I cherished applause and did not give glory to God in my heart, even if lip-service was made outwardly. Incidentally, the pride that fueled a desire for more recognition brought me to a Christian high school through a scholarship and revealed the futility of both outward and inward vanity. When performance waned and was assured to be lasting after hyper-extending my thumb during the year in which I most desired greatness, I began to be touched in a significant way by a teacher who was dying.
My teacher of Bible, Ethics, Apologetics, and Worldviews loved the Scriptures and knew the Scriptures more intimately than anyone else that I knew. He quoted and turned to multiple passages for every question that was asked of him and every desire for advice that was expressed. His illustrations and images to drive home points were significant in reminding me of the truth of the Old and New Testaments. He genuinely loved God's Word and spent His last years communicating it with students for whom he would hope to bring to faith and deeper satisfaction in God through the work of the Holy Spirit.
Mr. Sheehan made no qualms about showing in word and in practice that everything else was vanity if not coupled and driven by the desire to have others come to know Jesus and grow in Him to make Him known and loved. He knew he was dying of cancer and did not want to be anywhere else, do anything else, but pour his life into others to form them into passionate Christ-worshipers who would lay down their lives for the sake of the gospel. No one else taught me to love and cherish and memorize and base my life upon the Bible as much as this man. It was in his classes and outside his classes in my discussions with him that I would be drawn to have a ministry that would be based upon the truthfulness, solidity, and joy in the Word of God, all the while depending upon God. I was one who was drawn to love Jesus more through his work, and I wanted to have that effect on others by God's grace.
The way in which these ends can be accomplished is in any number of different ways, not the least of which is preaching. Part of the ministry orientation to which I was drawn came through the ministry of John Piper who pastored the church that I started to attend during my time at the Christian school. This man is the other influence that showed me the way to go about Bible study and exegesis, counseling, leadership, and communication through the pulpit in a God-centered, Christ-exalting, Spirit-dependent manner. And in my limited experience, this was rare, and it was needed.
If it was for this purpose that I am made: to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever, then surely this should be the center in each facet of ministry. If I am designed to reflect as with a telescope the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ and project that to the world who needs a Savior, then surely I can partner in proclaiming and living out this truth if God leads me to teach or preach. Through different opportunities that presented themselves, I was able to teach and preach and lead and receive positive feedback which was geared not to vain praise, but Godward praise. This confirmed in large measure that full-time vocational ministry is where I should be.
Even in preparing for this, I ironically am tempted with glorying not in the grace of God and His continual mercy and presence in my life, but my abilities, accomplishments, and affirmation. It feels good to receive more praise by a professor or your peers in a Preaching class in which you are evaluated. It feels good to be told that you have a gift in writing or in speaking. The very thing for which I am ministering (glorifying God and enjoying Him) is the very thing which is jeopardized when my heart is not set in the right place.
But God in His mercy has saved me. God in His mercy is saving me. And God in his mercy will save me. I have been set free from the curse of the law and have been united to another so that everything that I do stems from and is based upon the faith in Christ which is mine by grace. Grace. That all-encompassing word for which I am eternally grateful! For without Him, I cannot believe, and without Him I can do nothing of spiritual significance. It is the reality which gives me the strength to overcome pride and obtain victory, for I have already obtained a victory of forgiveness and right standing in Him.
This truth stuns me rightly, because I am not one that deserves the love and forgiveness of a holy God who cannot stand sin. When applause and congratulatory remarks came in the past, I found the sustainability of my strength, and even my strength itself, protruding from my own ability and nature, and did not divert praise to Another. But now that I have grown to see my need of Him and the grace found in Him, the struggle to give the praise and glory to God from which all blessings come is a reality that has been achieved in Christ.
I am found in Him, not having my own righteousness which comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ (Phil. 3). I am united to Him in His death and resurrection by grace through faith and stand in Him forgiven. I have victory not by my own doing, but in and through the Holy Spirit within me. The life I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who gave Himself for me; I do not live it through my self-sufficiency. It is in this dependence that God is honored and it is in this dependence that I hope to live even three more quarter centuries, if Jesus tarries. May it be Lord, for your name's sake.
